I couldn’t stop staring. It looked as if he spent the morning shoving a toupee down his ear canal, but alas, some just wouldn’t fit. He wasn’t and old man so this wasn’t a scenario of the geriatric and half-blind gent just missing a couple sprouts of ear growth.
I wanted to suggest he get it braided on his next vacation in the islands. Beads of many colors hanging down like earrings in the wrong spot.
“Ear hair says a lot about a guy,” admits a female friend, “because if he’s willing to let it grow long enough for the world to see, what other parts of his body is he avoiding?”
Over the last decade, the shift in the way men take care of their bodies has evolved beyond the weight room or protein beers. The majority of the lifting is the credit card out of the wallet. Men are spending egregious amount of cash on products that go into a medicine cabinet. In 2013, for the first time in the history of ever, men spent more money on male-specific primping products than on shaving products.
This is a far cry from granddad’s way of attacking his outward appearance. For the boomer generations and before, men’s toiletries consisted of shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream and maybe some powder for under the junk on those humid days working outside or just fighting a war in some foreign land. Browse the bathroom cabinets of the average bro now and spend hours eyeballing the hundreds of moisturizers, facial cleansers, eye serums, bronzers and concealers —all designed specifically for men — before they avalanche out and onto the sink.
Yet, with all this money and time spent on upkeep, hair grows untamed in the ear tunnels of the average man.
There’s absolutely no reason for a man to sport ear hair. Even those lumberjacks regulars and Movember men need to keep things high and tight inside the ear.
I’m absolving old men of rampant ear hair growth for two reasons — first, it’s hard to see the follicles since seven different pair of glasses are required and second, honestly, why should they care at this point? Any man under the age of 60 must pay explicit attention to the hair in there.
How To Get Rid Of Ear Hair — At Least For A While
Once a bodily function starts impeding on your dating life, it’s time to nip it in the hole. There are a few ways to get rid of the unwanted brush. Once a week, at least ten minutes should be spent shaving, trimming, plucking, pulling or waxing ear hair. Yes, waxing.
“For so many years, salons and spas really only catered to women,” explains Summer Vasilas, founder the wax-only franchise Waxing the City, “from their marketing, ambiance and design of the space, and the services offered. Our studio design is unisex and our menu depicts male services, such as nose, ears, and brows.”
If you’re worried about the possible pain, and can’t get Steve Carrell and The 40-Year-Old Virgin out of your head, the discomfort of waxing is determined by the amount of hair that’s being removed and the consistency of the client’s waxing habit. “If it’s the client’s first time,” Vasilas explains, “the discomfort could be greater than the second or fifth time.” So the more you pluck, the less it sucks.
Generally, it takes about two to three weeks before hair grows back so Vasilas recommends an ear waxing about once a month. Because each individual grows body hair at different rates, the time between waxes could vary.
Another removal option is zapping the follicles to death (though it’s hair, so it’s already dead) with a device like the LumaRx. It uses IPL technology to emit light energy, which penetrates deep into the skin to reach the hair root. The heat stuns the active hair follicles, breaking the growth cycle and disrupting future hair growth. As a result, treated hair typically begins to fall out within 7-10 days.
While it’s unsightly, ear hair isn’t completely useless. Just like the hair hanging around inside your nostrils, ear hair serves the purpose of keeping dust, dirt and random flying particles out of your ear. Excessive ear hair is also being used to restore the faltering follicle fault lines on bald guys. NeoGraft, a hair restoration technique, is performed with controlled pneumatic pressure. The process gently removes hair follicles from a donor regions on the body — like the ears — and transplants the follicles into areas where hair loss has occurred. So if you’re a cue ball up top but an ape man in the ears, it might be time to shift the fur to a new location.
Finally, there’s the caveman option of just being vigilant about yanking out the hairs or shaving them with a razor. Just be careful because ears never stop bleeding and I’ve got multiple blood-stained towels to prove it.